Today's Joke From Steve Kershaw    If you have a better joke.....e-mail it to us...... jokes@northwestmicro.co.uk

Postman Pat's Last Day
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you."
"I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him. Give him a fiver."
She smiled and said, "The breakfast was my idea"

Joke From Ian Hunt   

a blond walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. Sorry we don't sell bottom deodorant he replied struggling to keep from laughing. but I always buy it here, I bought some last month. thinking quickly the pharmacist suggests she bring the empty one in. the blond replies I'll bring it in tomorrow. the next day the blond walks into the shop and hands the pharmacist an empty deodorant stick. but this is just an ordinary deodorant which you apply under your arms said the pharmacist. no its not says the blond, it says so here ,to apply push up bottom

Joke From Neil B in Bolton

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.  He asks the Sergeant  why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have the camel."
       The Captain says, "Well, I can't say that I condone this, but I do understand about "urges", so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, frantic, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
       No, not really, sir...they usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
 

Here's one from John in Stockport

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as
she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed;
"Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked; "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said:
"Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said; "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied; "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------had me in stitches   9/10 Beat that!

Here's one from Danny of Bolton...

None! it should be open when she brings it to you!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chauvinistic, but a hearty 8/10

A blonde wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my  porch," he said, "How much will you charge me? "The blonde quickly responded, "How about £50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house? "He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? "The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately". A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats". Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus".  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's a cracker!   8/10

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly
towards a group of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell
to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained: "I'm a physical therapist. Please allow me to help. I know I
could relieve your pain if you'd allow me." "Oomph, oooh, nooo, I'll be alright.....I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the foetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she felt so guilty that she continued to insist on helping him. The man finally relented: "Well, if you really think it would do some good....."

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side; she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside and began to massage him. She then
asked him: "How does that feel?" To which he replied: "Bloody brilliant, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

                                  -------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A dumb blonde driving a Porsche comes out of a side street straight into the path of a speeding lorry. The lorry driver slaps his brakes on savagely and narrowly misses a collision. Fuming he jumps out of the cab and marches over to the Porsche. "You stupid bitch," he yells, dragging the blonde out of the Porsche. He whips out a piece of yellow chalk from his pocket and draws a circle on the ground. "Stand in the circle," he bellows at the blonde. "And don't move out of it!" He then paces back to his cab and grabs a wrench. Approaching the Porsche he smashes the windscreen. The blonde giggles, he turns in anger, and there she is giggling. Fuming he turns and smashes the wing mirrors on the Porsche.  Again he hears giggling. He turns to the blonde, who stops giggling. Then he turns back to the Porsche and smashes the headlamps. The giggling returns. He turns to the blonde and asks, "why are you giggling?"  She replies... "When you turn round I step out of the circle."







More Rib-Ticklers.....
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until finally he gave in... "OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following him. Down through the valley they went, across the river and into a forest. Finally he slowed and said.. "do you see that tree over there?"  "Yes, yes, yes!" they all screamed in frenzy. "Good," he said, "Because I didn't!" 

A man wakes up in a hotel room surrounded by money. He looks round and sees a genie. He says to the Genie "what happened last night". The Genie says " I granted you three wishes, and you set me free!". OK, he says "What were the 3 wishes?". 
Wish 1....You asked for lots of money. The man sees that he's up to his knees in cash.

Wish 2....You wished for a beautiful woman.  The man looks on the bed and sees a gorgeous female.

Wish 3....The Genie says "Come over to the window", the man looks out and sees 50 men dressed in white with pointy hats. "What was my third wish?"  You asked to be hung like a black! 

A Jelly Baby goes to the Doctor.
Doctor I think I've got aids. Don't be silly, how can a Jelly Baby get Aids?.
I've been sleeping with Allsorts!

Famous Last Words containing the word "F**K".
General Custer........Where did all those f**king Indians come from!
Hiroshima................What the f**k was that!
Titanic Captain.........Full speed ahead, and f**k the icebergs!
Goliath.....................Who the f**k`s this little runt!

Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman.
The Englishman says "I went into my 15 year old daughters room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes. I didn't know she smoked"
The Scotsman says " I went into my 15 year old daughters room and found a bottle of Scotch. I didn't know she took a wee dram"
The Irishman says " I went into my 15 year old daughters room and found a packet of condoms, and I didn't know she had a willy!"


A man decides to go big game hunting in Africa. Armed with a rifle he's off in the jungle. suddenly in the long grass he sees a naked female. He says to her "are you game", she replies "yes".....so, he shoots her!


A lady approaches a little boy sat in the gutter crying. She says what's the matter, why are you crying? He says my dog has just died. She says "what happened?". He says" I was taking him for a walk and he had a wee in the middle of the road. A policeman came over and said "don't let him do that in the middle of the road, get him to do it in the gutter". The lady looked puzzled and said how did that kill your dog? The little boy said "he fell off the roof"


Three young ladies, Annabel, Lucille, and Fanny all have big feet. They decide to have a night on the town and pick up some fellas. No luck. The next night they decide to try again but fanny decides to give it a miss. Annabel and Lucille get lucky and pull a couple of guys. One guy says to the girls " don't mind me mentioning it, but you both have big feet". Lucille says "That's nothing you should see the size of our Fanny's"


A bear goes into a pub and orders a pint. The barman serves him and says that's £3.50 please. The bear pays him.
The barman says "we don't get many bears in here", to which the bear replies... "I'm not surprised at £3.50 a pint!"

A lady spots a bear on her roof. She rings pest control and a van arrives. The man jumps out and opens the back doors. A ferocious dog jumps out and the man reaches in and pulls out a large stick and a shotgun. The lady says. I can understand the dog, buts what's the shotgun and the stick for? The man says...
Here's how it goes....First I get on the roof. Then, with the stick, I knock the bear off the roof. As he falls the dog grabs him by the balls.
The lady says....OK, but what's the shotgun for?
He says....If the bear knocks ME off the roof, I shoot the dog!

How do you get a Witch pregnant?
F*** her!

Why do Firemen have bigger balls than Policemen?
Because they sell more tickets!

What has six balls and f***s you twice a week...
The National lottery!

The Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman walk into a bar...
The barman says....is this some kind of joke!

What do you call a Pakistani with a crossbow?
William Patel
What's purple and swings through the trees in the jungle?
Tarzan, in a boiler suit!
What's black and white, black and white, black and white?
A penguin falling downstairs!
What do you call an Elephant with a machine gun?
Sir!
How do you know if there's an elephant under the bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling!
Doctor, I keep imagining I'm a pair of curtains!
Pull yourself together, woman!
Doctor, I keep imagining I'm a fish!
Don't worry you'll soon get hooked on something else
How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
He paints his privates red and climbs up a cherry tree
Doctor, everybody keeps ignoring me
Next please
Mommy, Mommy, why are we pushing the car over the cliff?
Shut up dear you'll wake your father
What do you call a woman with two black eyes?
Someone who doesn't listen!
Mommy, Mommy, why does my head hurt?
Shut up and move away from the dart board!